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November 21st, 2004
10:48 pm I hate the idea that something can hold me back- but this does with a vengeance.
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November 14th, 2004
06:59 pm - hey now I have been working so much I haven’t updated recently but my days basically go: get up for work, work , go out with Chels after work. I’m gonna start running again cause I can’t do crunches comfortably just yet. December 3rd is just around the corner, oohh baby oohh baby oohh. I didn't realize how difficult having a hott Asian as a friend would be. Don't get me wrong I love Chelsea, it just gets frustrating when Chels and I go out and find boys and said boys are talking to me not because they are interested in me but the chick I’m sitting next too. I guess I’ve been on a self-esteem roller coaster, for example Chelsea and I got our belly button pierced which left me on a really good body high, like I felt really good about my body, but for some reason everyone likes Chels’s more than mine, or at least they commented on it more. And lately I’ve been the third wheel in whatever Chels and I find to do. And normally I’m not fazed by it as long as were all doing something neutral where you don’t have to pair off into couples, but the thing is everyone (and by everyone I mean Chels and Chris) seem to pair off anyways which leave me to sit and watch tv by myself. I mean maybe if Jeff or Andrew Richard were here it would be different. But they are not so I’m left to entertain myself while other people make out and be all cutesy together. And then there is the whole Jonnyboy thing. It is killing me. I know he’s engaged but I also know that Holly is totally not right for him. Not that I’m saying I am but seriously if his feelings were that strong for her, he shouldn’t be gallivanting around like a single man. And it totally doesn’t help that he is an awesome person to hangout with and heartbreakingly attractive. So I was making Chels a mix tape for rockin out in the car cause her cd player is crappapalooza, and I realized that ever body I’ve made a mix tape for have turned into assholes who don’t talk to me anymore. So I guess I won’t be mailing any packages to PA. I mean a lot of work goes into a mix tape see high fidelity for further reference. Maybe I’m old school in the sense that if someone were to give me a mix tape it would mean something not just “oh it’s a tape.” Alright well that’s enough of me ranting, I’m gonna go eat cookie raw dough then run it off. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Went To A Party-RBF
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November 10th, 2004
07:44 pm - whoa yea Crazy- Chels and I had friday through monday off and boy did we take advantage of it. We rocked out everyday and went out every night, spent more money than we should've on account were tryin to save up for a place of our own, got our belly buttons pierced and just plain looked hella sexy. That's bout it, oh yea I didn't get the management position at work, I tried to talk to the store manager to find out what I did or didn't do for that matter and he just said he'd like to talk to me in private later. I hope I'm not fired. You can't kiss respect points. I have totally been Chel's wingman these nights we've been goin out and it's nice to be respectful of myself, being the DD and such but seriously you definitely can't kiss respect points. It's nice to know I'm not a ho, but it just leaves me the squeaky third wheel, all horny and lonely. I just I dunno wish when I get all perdyed up at night to go out, that someone besides Chels would notice. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Somebody Told Me-The Killers
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November 1st, 2004
03:18 pm - and the madness continues Yea so I've been working alot and going out with Chels.Chillin with her and Jeff and McNasty is crazy fun.And Chels is the coolest little asian punk rawker ever! Anyways last night-long story short- On Sunday,Chels got kicked outta her house and so now she's bunkin with me. I figured to celebrate her new found freedom that we would go out and find some random or not so random boys to hang out with and definitely make out with. Chels needed some lovin and I mean what girl could turn down a make out buddie? Anyways we both dressed up for work on account it was halloween and all, she was a fairy and I a nun. Oh yea that's right it was quality. So after we get off work we get all perdy so that we may look the most attractive to the opposite sex, and started callin. Well because it was sunday most bums were doin homework or had to get up early. I ended up leavin a bunch of messages with random boys on my cell. When Chels and I were just bout ready to give up on goin out. Ben calls my cell. My skankin buddie as it turns out was home for the weekend and was at the Rocky Horror Picture Show at the German House in the ci-ty. Chels and I got a wee bit lost but thanks to my ma we made it just in time for the show. Met up with Ben, who intern introduced me to Stan. It's funny what a small world it is when you have a live journal. Anyways I do have to say certain people are totally better looking in person than their photos. And by certain people I mean Stan. So for the rest of the night Chels and I rocked out to the Rocky Horror then promptly when home and passed out bout 4ish only to be up for work at 9 today. Yea so I think I'm gonna grab somethin to eat and wait for Chels to get in so we can watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Or dream bout making out with sexy boys Current Mood: horny Current Music: Rocky Horror Soundtrack-thanks Chris
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October 24th, 2004
09:49 pm - Yeeeaaaa Boy So since I last updated, I made an appointment to get meself inked. Chels and I are giving each other birthday presents early. Love Hate is where it's at and either Mike or Aiden are gonna be my boy, and I've never been more stoked for anything. Work still sucks more ass than a gay porno but at least I'm getting hours and savin up for my (insert car model here)Mr. Georgie Boy. Chels and I hung out with Jeff and Smalls at Jeff's the other night and it was awesome. We watched Snatch, the boys did car bombs,we laughed our asses off to Dane Cook and didn't leave Jeff's till bout 4 in the am. And I loved every minute of it. Certain people have been pissing me off to no end. Then I go and blow up all angry bitch style at people I don't mean to. So my formal apologies to Mr. Andrew Richard, Harry, Jessi, Dave and both the Chris's. I try and be awesomely nice all the time so I can spread smiles and sometimes I just snap. So I still heart you all like whoa. Halloween is coming up and I'm thinkin bout havin a party cause I haven't heard of any good ones. I dunno it's still just a thought bubble. Current Mood: content Current Music: Fly Away- The Living End
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October 18th, 2004
06:31 pm Yea yea I haven't updated so shoot me. No I really haven't updated cause nothing really happens to me anymore. I mean I work, come home from work to get bitched out, then call up some people to make plans that fall through, then go to sleep early cause I have to get up to go back to work. Don't get me wrong my life isn't as depressing as I make it sound. Chels holds my sanity. Road tripping with her was awesome! This past weekend was all about Chels and me and rocking out, hanging out and making out. For me not so much of that last one. For some reason lately boys have been leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. Random kisses from random boys used to be so satisfying but I think now I would like something more consistent, or at least the courtesy stay over. Yea and I've lost my creative wave. For the longest time when I couldn't sleep, I would just stay up and write amazing poems and now when I can't sleep I just stay up and watch horrible info-mercials. I need a muse for inspiration but what? or who?? Current Mood: listless Current Music: "Feelin Kinda Emo Mix" Courtesy of Chris
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October 7th, 2004
09:04 pm - aaarrrgggg I'm dead, not in papers in the obituaries for screwing up the jumble capers, but I am totally exhausted and I just can't catch up on anything. Sometimes I wish Chels was a man cause then all my problems would be solved. Current Music: Makin Compliations DJ Katatonic Style
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October 3rd, 2004
09:10 pm Kohl's is the devil. I hate workin until I hurt all over just to come home to cold leftovers, no one online, and have to go to sleep early cause I gotta get my arse up to do it all over again early the next day. I thought Bob was being weird so I confronted him in the Men's department and it turns out were cool he just doesn't like my other half Chels. I'm glad him and I are friends cause he is an awesome hugger. We might hang out later this week and it would be cool to chill with someone new. Not that my circle is boring but it's nice to get to know someone new, add some pop to the circle. I dunno where him and I stand, but he will ink me or I'll punch him in the face. Scott talked to me on friday so I know where him and I stand its still feels off kilter or maybe it's just me. And then Andrew Richard, it hurts my head to think about it. It's so weird to not know someone at all but feel like you've been there best friend for-ev-er. I wish we fuckin lived in the same vacinity or the same state for that matter but of course not there has to be a flaw in something so shut up your face right. 5-0's back in the danger zone and it makes me well up with tears just thinking bout him and how much I fuckin miss him!! But on a positive note Big M might be goin to NYC to film some Mtv music video thingy and it would be awesome if he could swing his arse upstate for a visit. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: ESPN highlights cause i work too much to watch football
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September 30th, 2004
02:03 pm Chels is the shit. No other way to put it. She rawks my socks hard core. We are the same freakin person in two different bodies. We hung out yesterday after work to find out we have the same taste and opinion on um lets see........everything! And it reminded me of when I would hang out with H$. God I miss her sooo much. It's her birthday today so to my Holly Susan- I don't have to buy you cigarettes or porno accoutremonts anymore cause your 18 and can do it yourself. Love You 3 Lady!!! Current Mood: content Current Music: TBS Binge recently mix of old school and new
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September 18th, 2004
01:28 am Yea yea I haven't updated but nothing really has been happening. I work so I can get money for Georgie Boy, for those of you wondering Georgie Boy is what I named the car I currently don't have. I figure if my goal, of a car, has a name perhaps it will give me more incentive to reach it. Like dude I can't go out tonight that money is Georgie Boys. Yea yea so it's kinda silly but whatever gets me closer to a car of my own. Chels is the shit. We share the same brain and she rocks my world hard core:) Xtream bowling is where it's at, my favorite quotes of the night: Dude stop sucking face and bowl, calves like a hungarian shot putter, don't look at me in that tone of voice, stop we have the same brain I know what your tryin to do, odds we keep it evens it's commin off baby, I knew it, he's skinny in the wimpy hugger kinda way and he's skinny in the good hugger kinda way. Andrew Richard is crazy insane like nuttier than squirrel poop and it's awesome!
I hope you can read your hand:) Then use it;) Current Mood: flirty Current Music: Random AMF Bowling Songs
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September 16th, 2004
02:22 am - Crazy Insane!! Crazy List of Words Goose is not allowed to say: Go Show Know Home Ok so that's really all that I remember but still your not allowed to say them till I find something I can retaliate with that will have the same effect. Crazy
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September 13th, 2004
04:04 am - What The Crap?! For the life of me I can't to go sleep. I have to go to work in like 5 hours but I simply cannot fall asleep. I really don't know what's up with me. The only good thing that comes out of my random insomnia, weird poetry. I've been very, very Silvia Plath recently. It's cool but I'd trade my 4 new poems for 4 good hours of sleep. I miss Holly Susan. I know she's only like 2 hours away, but it's not the same. Were not the same anymore. And these past few weeks those damn Y chromosomes have just been......nothing. I dunno why my weakness is boys. It's weird I seem to get to a certain level of friendship and I'm like their sister or makeout buddie, nothing more. I wish I could kick this habit, this addiction to men, or at least figure out how they work. I mean I try and be honest and get no where. I try and be elusive and mysterious and get nothing. I give bits of myself away emotionally, mentally, physically,poetically and I always seem to get back to the same spot. On the phone, with my chickadees tryin to figure out where I went wrong. It just hurts my brain thinking bout it. Maybe I'm just sayin this cause I'm tired. Maybe I'll make this entry baleeted strong bad style by the time I leave for work. Maybe my philosophies on life need some tweaking. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Harlem Nocturne-New York Ska-Jazz Ensemble
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September 11th, 2004
03:33 pm I am soo sick and tired of everyone being so over critical of my life. There is a key phrase in that sentence, my life. The choices I make are mine, and although they may impact you, they are not because of you. I don't fake myself into ever, ever thinking about yesterday. That was then, this is now. I hate when people judge me for the way I live my life, the type of music I listen to, or the fucking clothes on my back. Lemmie tell you something I love my life, and I live with no regrets. So you can let YOUR insecurities and YOUR phobias restrict YOUR life, but I sure as hell am not going to stop living my life because you don't approve. So fuck you and your insecurities, don't think I'll feel sorry for you because your so fucking vapid and trite. You are an arrogant motherfuckin asshole, an emotional leech who's bullshit drains me of happiness and all feelings in general.(my apologies to those of you who are not the afore mentioned motherfucking asshole). If you don't like what I'm writing, stop reading. If you don't like how I'm talking, stop listening. If you don't like the way I live, Fuck Off.
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September 6th, 2004
05:15 pm Ok I am tired as fuck but just wanted to say and need a shower I FUCKING LOVE NIAGARA UNIVERSITY AND ALL IT ENTAILS!!!
HOLLY SUSAN IS THE SHIT AND WE WILL RE-NEW OUR VOWS WHEN I GET A CAR CRAZY NOT COOL ROOMIE TEENY BEDS STRIP POKER-ENOUGH SAID LEG MASSAGE-I'VE HAD WORSE DOIN NOTHING-ALRIGHT JEFF-TACO FOURTH FLOOR O'SHEA ORGASMIC HAIR MASSAGES DANCIN THE NIGHT AWAY BEING DD BY DEFAULT SUNDAY FROM 12 TILL MONDAY BOUT 12 WAS MY FAVORITE:) GRACIAS, LEE, TU ES ME PERSONA FAVORITA- I THINK I'M SET THANKS TO MR. A FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH-THAT IS UNLESS I VISIT NIAGARA AGAIN;) I got bitched at by everyone for not calling, am tired as hell, need a shower and have work all fuckin week but it was totally worth it! Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: MARS VOLTA BABY BEST MUSIC TO ORGASM IN SPANISH TO;)
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September 1st, 2004
11:11 pm Even Drunken Comments Hurt
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01:53 am Ok so it's tuesday......yea only tuesday. Wish it was Friday I got up bitch-ass early to go to work. I'm just doing manual labor for now, not my actual customer service sales associate job. So I unloaded boxes and junk all day with Carrie. She is my new chickadee. She's 22,and has a 4 year old boy-you do the math, but either way she's pretty pimp. Were gonna go together, when we get our first paychecks, and get tattoos. Aaaawww I have a date. So Carrie and I, well mostly Carrie, got hit on by these beefy construction workers while we were on our break. It was cool in a creepy kinda way. I hurt my knee, sorta twisted it, it kinda hurts to walk on it. Crap. When I got home there was a letter from Pat, just for me:) And I am soooo proud of my stand-up comedian Real Estate. You go boy and work what your mamma gave you. And Colin you are still waaaayyyy preppy. Cute but preppy. And Mr. Hott Asain we still should hang out even if we don't talk on the phone. And Skankin Buddie do I have to talk to youts. And I like when I talk to new people online and we have the same taste in movies and music*cough Andrew cough* Current Mood: sore Current Music: NOTA & RAW-anything that reminds me of Pat
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August 30th, 2004
12:21 am Ok So since the last time I've updated- Court smacked me around like I was it's bitch, I have to go back at a later date. That was what the fuckadee fuck was bout. Um let's see I hung out with H$, Jeff and my Hott Asain before H$ left. Bout those people-I can only say Bromine duck saw way more than he should have. H$ went and move into her dorm-it crushed me, maybe I don't show it but it just makes me tear up when I think of her having fun without me and so far away, it's worse than living with the OC Gestapo. Hopefully Jeff, Hott Asain, Mrs. K and I will take a road trip and visit this upcommin weekend. For those of you wondering bout the Hott Asain and I, well were just comfortable and that's that, nothing serious cause don't really want it to be. Satisfied chickadee? On a side note my skankin buddie is freakin awesome, we hung out before he left, he also introduced me to my new husband who I am amazingly in love with, Ted Leo. And well he's still in the running although I haven't told him yet. Soon I'll be able to get H$ the super-super-deluxe dildo with the pimp money from mi trabajo. And that's about it. Current Mood: awake Current Music: TED LEO IS MY NEW HERO
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August 25th, 2004
05:23 pm - CRAP FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK So now I have a job but a job is no fucking good if I go to jail, and the money from the job will not be spent on Holly Susan's super delux dildo but on the crap-ass fines. FUCKADEE FUCK FUCK FUCK
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August 21st, 2004
03:23 am - Chinese throwing stars in my eyes So I've been staying up at night, not sleeping but writing and I am so proud of this new poem, I love it so much I decided to share it. So you can like it or not I could care less, it's all subjective, but the point is it's me and I'm sharing it.
Didgeridoo As restless eyelids are my slide-show screens my mind replays that night. My honesty spilled over your ears like waves on the pier where we sat and buried our insecurities and toes in the cold sand. Everyone was watching that random couple have sex on the beach, right next to us right there, but really they were listening to see if we would give ourselves away, our intentions that is. A seductive look, a familiar position, read between the lines of the “there ok”. The sky melted into the lake that night as you tried to point out the horizon to me, leaning near enough to me for me to know, it wasn’t really the horizon you were trying to point out, you weren’t trying to show the separation at all, but rather the closeness of both the horizon and us. And I tried to convince myself it was my eyes you were looking at when you told me we should get going. So into your gingerbread car we went, not really wanting to go but glad we no longer had company. And so on that Lost in Space Odyssey adventure back to finding my house I let you know my intentions and impressions of you shouldn’t have to hold back and I don’t want you to. Butterflies and lawn gnomes are passive, so you shouldn’t have to be. I am here to explore and to be explored not by the person you portray but the person I know you have hidden inside you have no reason to be afraid. I mean come on, the park, middle of the day-what more can I say? You shouldn’t have to hold back to my house we went with a pit stop to review the lessons you were unsure on. The grass was wet so we sat on the concrete, which was as comfortable as the silence was broken by my voice once again. And with my hair pulled back like curtains on a stage I was ready to perform. So as gently as I knew how I lead you into my world and you came, in silence. But you weren’t always silent not when it came to deep lyrics and intense plots or rambling about Power Rangers but I didn’t mind because at least you were talking. I always replayed our conversations while I was laying in my bed starring up at the stucco ceiling trying to find shapes like in those puffy clouds that were above the hammock. And I thought you would call at any second-calling to say that you saw through my bullshit, how my confidence was a cover for a insecure lover. So at night I’d leave my cell phone on just hoping you would call cause even if you were angry at least you were talking. Then other nights I wanted nothing more than to sink into the melodies of my very own velvet underground and ignore the jabber of the TV and not wanting to hear the ring tone or your tone of disappointment, when you realized I was just a thief of time, that you had confused paradise for a pair of nice legs. So with Sylvia Plath as my character piece, I wrote this poem hoping it would be the first of many green lights and if you do happen to get caught at a red one, well maybe I’ll get a button or maybe you’ll make me a mix tape with more than one bad song or maybe well make each other’s mouth’s silent or maybe just maybe you’ll be comfortable.
FUCK YEA IT MAKES ME FEEL SEXY
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August 19th, 2004
10:17 pm You know what I hate? Fucking assholes who think they can live vicariously through their children's lives. Who are obsessively compulsively neurotically insane and throughly enjoy tormenting people untill they break down and cry. I don't know how many times I have to scream my head off or give the silent treatment for them to realize I am not like them, and I have no intention on becoming a person with even the least bit of resemblance to that of capitalistic assholes who only goals in life are that of material possessions. And I hate writing about it too cause that means they got to me, that their comments and smug looks penetrated the wall of scars I have guarding myself. It is because of them that I will never have a decent relationship with anyone of A) female authority, B)anyone of the male gender, and C) the rest of my family- And as soon as I am able I will leave, I'm not sure yet where I'll go or when or what the fuck I will do but this shit is too much and my only piece sanity is leaving in like 6 days to go get outta this place and better herself through education. I'm gonna go curl up in a ball and watch info-mercials till I fall asleep or till someone calls my cell to bug me which ever comes first-I'd put money it's sleep. Current Mood: angry Current Music: You're Gonna Miss Me-The Thirteenth Floor Elevators
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